i write love || like men dream about sex
all desire & an object to be kept || & something to be won ||
& instead of touching muscle&skin || i pull my body out
of itself & keep || myself to throw the || body to
the vultures || when i say i [they] exist i mean |
i exist to be thrown || to the vultures & i exist ||
to be kept as flowers || in your garden of eden || &
to be kept in the prayer house || of a god i’ve long
forsaken || but if i write love like ||
men dream about sex then || all i should know how
to do is || consume & || i’ll learn to love you like ||
a religion if it means || you stay & i’ll stop throwing my ||
body to the vultures if || you’ll stop saying
that i have an infinite capacity to || forgive & yet || i can’t forgive
my body for this betrayal || (like men dream about sex) || i need to
be touched wouldn’t it be nice to || have control of something? || just for once? ||
or (like men dream about sex) || i need to be wanted || like i
need to possess || or haunt my body || or lay claim over yours || not
like i need to be yours || i just. || wouldn’t it be nice to not
deal with the pain || of haunting my body? || i can finally spit
up the ghost that haunts || meunderyou || & i know that
you’ve || never thought i could || own a body (my body) || but i need
you to know that this || is just a second chance ||
(like men dream about sex) || i dream about || touching my body without
the whole || i [they] consume & pretend ||
like this isn’t a second chance || for my body / those
were handed out || a second / or a hundred
years ago / or whenever i last met my body) || & i want to amend my
previous statement, baby || i write love [my body] like ||
men dream about sex || (all desire & something to be won & / i
touch myself & pretend i feel something
arushi (aera) rege
arushi (aera) rege is a queer, chronically in pain, Indian-American poet in senior year in high school. They tweet occasionally @academic_core and face the perils of instagram @aeranem_26. Their chapbooks, exit wounds (no point of entry), and BROWN GIRL EPIPHANY, are forthcoming with Kith Books and fifth wheel press. They are the EIC of nightshade lit, Bus Talk, and Draupadi Interviews. You can find their website at arushiaerarege.carrd.co.
Why this Knocked Taylor Out:
This poem insists on barrier. It insists on gaps in truth and meaning that are replaced with walls. Men || love. Ownership || love. The self is seeking love under a grief of the male gaze and the poem is refusing to give it.
The form is unique and therefore eye-catching. But it’s also necessary for the content. Each “||” acts as a turn away from the previous section, and as a barrier, and as a tunnel through which one section can bleed into the other. You can reach each piece on its own, as a whole, in conjunction with some of the pieces beside it, or like chutes and ladders, some of the pieces above or below.
There are also so many punchy lines. I tend to have an aesthetic where I can overlook almost anything in a poem if the lines themselves are punchy. There are so many moments in this poem that won me over by socking me straight in the jaw. That ending being one of them. The resolution of the poem is not to give the speaker relief, which I appreciate, but to force the speaker to continue pretending, even with the self.
I think my favorite moment in the poem however is:
…& i exist ||
to be kept as flowers || in your garden of eden || &
to be kept in the prayer house || of a god i’ve long
forsaken || but if i write love like ||
men dream about sex then || all i should know how
to do is || consume & ||
That’s the heart of the poem. And I could go on and on but I think the poems says everything for me already.
Interview:
Why did you choose Team Taylor for this poem?
I chose to be Team Taylor for this poem primarily because I felt as though the poem aligned more with the vibes that Taylor was giving off! Taylor indicated an interest in different things that this piece involved, including gender queerness, body issues, a bit of horror, and a bit of religious imagery. I'm really glad that Taylor chose to accept this piece for BRAWL because I believe that Taylor truly understands what this piece is about and can best represent it as a BRAWLER.
Talk to me about the form? How did you work within the form to create meaning?
The form came to me at 2AM in a haze of tylenol and like seven energy drinks, much like the rest of this piece. The form itself has created this air of rigidness that I wanted to portray as a statement of my gender, while having very contradicting words in the actual poem to show that my expression of gender and gender fluidity has always been constrained. I wanted to do something that I don't normally do when it comes to form, which is play around and see if the form can actually contradict the piece in any way instead of the form working with the piece all the time.
How does this poem situate itself within your normal poetic style? Do you lean toward confessional normally, or unique forms normally?
This poem is a hard 5 on a scale of 1 to 10, where one is super hybrid/experimental and 10 is kind of strict or confessional forms. Most of my pieces tend to be confessional, because I really enjoy writing identity poetry, but I'm also a huge fan of writing love poetry. The form depends on what I think the poem speaks for. I like to consider whether or not the form is actually contributing to the poem in any way, but sometimes, if the poem is fun, I'll just write in whatever form I want. I really like writing poetry that is a lot more confessional in style, though.